Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I've found a new church!

I found a new church! I am so excited to tell you about it! It turns out to be the original church God established even before Adam and Eve. Here are the core tenets of my new church;

We believe that we have the one true path of happiness in this life and the life to come after death.

We believe that all other churches have lost things along the way of history and that only we have all the truths necessary (as revealed directly by God herself) to be able to get back and be able to dwell in God's presence again.

We believe that the name of God is extremely important, but it is a knowledge that not everyone can actually handle with the appropriate amount of respect and care, so the actual name is reserved only for a very few on the earth.

We believe that this life is a bag of tricks that makes absolutely no sense until we leave this life and can see the label on the outside of the bag.

We believe that everyone can know the true sacred name of God, and that God will tell Her very elect Name to those who truly desire to receive it, which is the way to know the truth of the sacred name of God. The teachings of Ma'at say that all those who receive the sacred name of God will know Her name and therefore know the truth of Her church and teachings.

We believe that everyone can make it to get back to Aarula (the proper name of forever life with the sacred name of God - abbreviated to SNOG - in the afterlife), however, there are a few conditions. These conditions include; 1. You must be a certified member of the society of the sacred name of God (SNOG) 2. You must have entered into the sacred hall of Ma'at to receive all the secret rituals of Aarula (they are secret because they need to be...if they fall into the hands of Seth - the most evil of all the enemies of God) then all would be lost. All cannot be lost! 3. You will be rewarded according to your level of devotion and faithfulness to the principles of Ma'at. The more devoted you are, the more reward you will receive in Aarula. 4. All others who do not choose to follow the path to Aarula will not receive happiness in this life or in the world to come. 5. You must pay 9% of your income to the brotherhood of Ma'at. 6. You must submit to the will of the sacred name of God as interpreted, and given to us, by the sisterhood of Ma'at. We believe that some* (*likely many, actually, since the SNOG church only has a few members worldwide, but it is growing very rapidly for being the only true church on the face of the whole earth) will be cast off forever and never enjoy the happiness to be found in Aarula, but it must be this way because that is the will of the sacred name of God.

We believe that goodness and benevolence are the true characteristics of the sacred name of God and we should constantly strive to obtain them both.

We believe that all will have the opportunity, at some point, to learn the sacred name of God, however if they reject it they will be forever caught in a large black hole, where not even light can escape their fate. I do hope that my family members will eventually see the light of Aarula and choose to join me in the hall of Ma'at someday. Sometimes I get sad when I think that there will be many who I will not get to spend forever in Aarula with, but I know that the sacred name of God will make it all worthwhile. I will likely be given a replacement family in Aarula that I will come to love just as much as my family here on earth...in time anyway. I will be so much happier than I am now, having to associate with so many unbelievers now. If you have been called up and had revealed to you the sacred name of God, I would invite you to join me at the church of SNOG. I invite all to come and partake of the goodness that is found there. We meet once a week in the SNOG building downtown at 10am. I hope to see you there!


  1. Does SNOG church last 3 hrs? Do I have to wear a dress? If I have dinner at Olive Garden afterwards will I be shunned?

    1. The weekly meeting is only 1 hour...every other week. Like many churches advertising nowadays, you can come as you are. PJ's and underwear are encouraged ;-) Sometimes dinner afterwards results in members failing to acknowledge each other because SNOG doesn't like to cook on Sundays, but if we just ignore it, and repent later, we don't really have to let it bother us.