Why am I sad?

Sometimes I feel very sad. I feel sad because it is so difficult for my family members to relate to how I feel about the church now. I don't feel listened to any more. I don't feel like the people that I care about the most are really interested in what I think about things any more. I feel like my loved ones want to just put me in a box and ship me off somewhere until I see things the way I used to. It saddens me that I feel this way. It makes me even more sad to think that, if people that I care about read what I am saying here, I think they might revel in my sadness and see it as punishment for me not believing as they do any more. I don't understand why people who claim to be followers of a man, whose primary teaching was to love everyone - especially the outcasts and dregs of society, choose to be so cruel in their application of those teachings. Of course, what I don't know is if they are even able to see the sadness they have conjured in me. If they don't even see it, shouldn't I be able to forgive them for it?

I have really tried to help my family understand why I feel the way I do. However, when I try to make the attempts, I feel like barriers go up and a defensive posture is assumed. Why can't people try to understand me without assuming I am going to personally attack them? I have been told that I just need to get over feeling this way, and I have often asked myself why it is so difficult for me to do so. Could it be that the sadness and the defensive posturing is all originating from me? That people truly don't care what I think enough to burden themselves with putting me out to pasture? I suppose this is possible. I suppose I make some of these things out to be more serious and pronounced than they actually are. So then I have to ask myself, why this is? Why is it that I am so dead serious about wanting to explain my current stance on the existence of God or what I feel are deceptions put forth by the church? I guess part of it is because I want to be listened to. I want to be heard and understood. I want to feel the way I used to feel when I was the spiritual leader in my home and everyone hung on my every word as I pronounced the veracity of things that I now sincerely doubt were ever there in the first place. However, maybe there is something more.

I think the reason these things are, and have been, so vitally important for me to understand and relate to others is because I have been taught that they ARE JUST SO VITALLY IMPORTANT! After all, if there IS life after death and, if our station in that life after death is PRIMARILY determined by what we believe, and do, during this life here on earth, then this life is pretty important indeed! That idea is what motivated me for so long. I figured that if my ETERNAL existence was going to be SO heavily weighted by what I do here and now, then, by golly, I had BETTER do my BEST! If I didn't do my best, my soul would be tormented for ETERNITY by all of my shortcomings. All the home teaching I didn't do, all the missed opportunities to attend the temple, all the priesthood sessions of general conference that I missed would all haunt me ETERNALLY! I would be so filled with regret...which would be further enhanced by the knowledge of what I could have had, if I had been more valiant, that my misery will know no end. Who wants to be miserable forever? I certainly did not.

So, now I am at a place where I have given up on that thinking. I think I needed to give this thinking up for my sanity. To relieve myself of all the guilt I could easily pile up on myself for not doing EVERYTHING I was taught that was essential for obtaining everlasting life with God the Father in His celestial glory. However, even though I think I have given up on that thinking, I still have to wonder if I actually have? The question of the existence of God and whether or not God has ONE true church, that He fully endorses in place upon the earth today, is still a very important question to me. Is it possible that I have maintained my absolute thinking about the importance of this question and just moved my position from one of belief to one of non-belief? To be honest, now the question of the existence of God (and the origination of life and all of the attendant questions that seem to follow from it) is not important to me any more, but the need to be understood and be correct about it IS still immensely important to me!

If I had to guess, I would say that this is likely the reason that I would classify myself as more atheist than agnostic, or that I don't identify with the sentiment of being spiritual but not religious, now. I am not concerned with spirituality because I cannot sufficiently identify with it in terms that can be easily understood by everyone. We all have had differing experiences with spirituality and, when we attempt to describe those experiences to others, to me, they come across sounding more like bragging than anything that can be mutually beneficial. I cannot escape this thought now. Whenever someone says to me that they had a spiritual or moving experience it grates on my nerves because I cannot help but think what the consequences of that experience being real (in the context of my religious upbringing) must be. I am not irritated because they had the experience, I am irritated because of the fact that this person is essentially reminding me of everything that I am not any more. If, in fact, their spiritual experience is valid, and is actually from God, then that means that my previous thoughts about the ramifications of such things must also be valid to them and I am left to wonder how screwed up that person thinks I will be in the afterlife. After all, I am not active in church, and I don't do any of the stuff the church teaches is essential for eternal life (i.e. all that enduring to the end stuff). How can they not see me as some sort of heretic? At the very least as someone who will be relegated to a lower kingdom of glory where they may, at some point, decide to grace me with their presence every once in a while. Why? So they can remind me how much more glorious and better their eternal residence is than mine? How can people feel good about teachings that have built in mechanisms for looking down on others who do not conform?

How did I decide to devotedly follow such teachings for so long without paying any attention to what affect my beliefs might have on others that disagree with me? How could I have been so self centered? I feel really bad about that, but I wonder how it happened? I mean, when I was on my mission and talking to people who adamantly disagreed with what I believed, not because they simply didn't know what I believed, but even if they knew what I believed and yet still chose to deny it was true, how did I deal with that? I think I just concluded in my mind that, even though they claimed that they had some idea about what I believed, they must not actually know what I did. My knowledge was always superior to theirs...unless, of course, they agreed with me...then their knowledge would likely exceed my own, that is, if they seemed to know what they were talking about and it was in line with the teachings of the church as I understood them. Don't get me wrong, I met a bunch of people that I would consider totally wacky, even in the church, that now I ask myself what could have possibly compelled me to feel good about the fact that we would be spending eternity together?

I think something that might help in answering my question is something I have learned about human behavior. We tend to agree with, sympathize with and look up to people that we either associate with or have things in common with. I know out in the mission field I could tell how relieved I felt to be in the company of members versus non-members of the church. With non-members I had to make sure my words and actions were at their most impressive to make a good impression and get them to agree with me and my beliefs and eventually join me at church. However, with members, I could relax, enjoy the food, the company and not be worried that my behavior might reflect poorly on the church. I felt secure with those that I had the church in common with. It is definitely true that we feel more at ease and comfortable around those that we share some bond with. In social settings where both members of the church and non-members are present, the members will tend to congregate together since they share a bond that seems to transcend the other purpose of the gathering. The church creates a bond in people that is immediate and larger in scope than anything else. Of course, this tendency has been used to great effect in Utah where pyramid schemes and multilevel marketing tends to dominate the landscape. But, what is it about the church that readily brings people together that other groups seem to lack? I'm sure a book could be written to answer that question (or I'm sure there already has been one written).

My point in saying all of this is that I feel that I have now lost this bond with my family. Even though I haven't resigned from the church, I am a disaffected, inactive member of the church, who can actually be somewhat hostile towards members of the church (well, not really to most ward members, but I think I come across that way to my family quite a bit) when talking about things that are church related. So why am I so hostile? Because I know the perceived benefits that can be enjoyed when one is "in" the group and I am no longer really able to be considered "in" the group. I am now an outsider. Again, maybe this is all just going on in my head and I just need to not worry so much about it. But that response just feels wrong to me. I know how I felt towards non-members as a believer and I can't help but think that others must feel the same way I did...even if it isn't a conscious or deliberate sentiment towards me, I know it is there. As much as everyone wants to deny it or pretend it is not real, it is real because I have experienced it first hand.

So how did I really see people who didn't believe as I did? I saw them as outsiders. I saw them as ignorant and missing out on what I got to enjoy. I had the truth and the truth was going to bring me eternal happiness that others could only dream of. How naive I was! When I rejected these notions of an afterlife of judgment, misery and glory, I began to see everyone as valuable. Everyone has, not only a contribution, but importance and worth, regardless of their conformity to the church. Not because they are divine in nature, but because they are human and have feelings just like me. They want to belong to something bigger than themselves, just like I do. They are all relevant and I now feel that they all should be listened to and trusted for their unique experience. When people say that they have been hurt by church policies, I will now choose to believe them. And instead of asking how they can better be marginalized to conform to the infallible policies of the church, I might actually decide to denounce those policies in favor of more tolerance and trust of people who may disagree with leaders of the church. And, right now, I don't see how it is possible for me to stay in the church and maintain this view.

So, maybe I have been taught to be an absolutist from my youth, and maybe I still am in the way I see the world, but this is who I am and how I think. If I am going to change from it, I need some help. But, I'm pretty sure that the way I thought about things as a believing member of the church, or trying to get me to go back to that way of thinking, is not going to get me the help that I need. I am looking for a better way. I hope I get there, for my sake and for the sake of my loved ones.

Happiness

I have been thinking recently about happiness. What is happiness? Is happiness laughter? Is happiness physical pleasure? Is happiness derived from social interaction or a sense of belonging? Does happiness come from knowing that you are in a social majority? Does happiness come from a belief in God?

I will endeavor to answer each of these questions. Is happiness laughter? I feel happy when I have a good laugh. I believe laughter is good for the soul. However, unless I can forget about everything else in my life, laughter does make me happy and it probably contributes to my overall happiness, but it is not the sole source of happiness itself for me. I do know that I could use more laughter in my life.

Is happiness physical pleasure? This is one area where I obviously must hesitate to share as much as I would like to, but I will say that, being a man, seeing a lovely woman does make me happy. The more I get to see, the happier I become. However, while this may be a source of much happiness, I cannot say that I would be able to enjoy a full measure (like my mo jargon?) of happiness if my life consisted of nothing outside of this (although I would be willing to give it a shot, for the sake of science, of course ;)

I have also discovered that I feel loved when I am touched. Touch, to me, is the ultimate form of feeling love and happiness. It has been difficult for me to come to realize that others feel love and happiness through means other than touch. My wife feels love through what she sees. Others feel love through what they hear. The words, "I love you" are the most meaningful to them. We tend to give the most in the area of love that we want to experience because we want to receive that form of expression in return. In my opinion, this is a common area of discontent in intimate relationships (i.e. communicating that you love your partner in a different fashion than they would like to receive).

I'm also pretty sure that love and happiness are two different things, but I think one cannot have happiness without feeling loved. I also realize that many like to break up physical pleasure and love and claim they are two different things, however, I would argue that physical arousal and pleasure is such an important part of love that it cannot be taken away and still be considered love. Love is a hard word to nail down though. It is a huge umbrella of emotion that is much too broad to tackle in this post.

Is happiness derived through social interaction or a sense of belonging? I really think this is one area where I have suffered somewhat since I have stopped attending my regular Sunday meetings. I really enjoy my time at home during that 3 hour stretch on Sunday, but I do feel somewhat selfish. I think selfishness can contribute to happiness, but I also think it comes with a price and can be hollow. The best advice I have heard given to post-LDS is that we go out and give of ourselves to diminish selfishness (*Not that I am ready or willing to do this so much right now, because I am selfish, but I can spout it with the best of them - I am at least trying to be sincere). But I also wonder if there can come a point where we are giving so much that it doesn't bring us happiness anymore. I don't know if this is an excuse I use to not give so much or if it is the way it is. I know there have been times when service became a drudgery and stopped being fulfilling. The trick, I guess, is to get out (of the service project) just before (or maybe just after) this feeling comes. I also believe strongly that we can be happier when we are doing what we enjoy. And doing what we enjoy can sometimes be viewed as being selfish, but that is OK.

Social interaction and feeling of belonging is the major reason that religious people in the US, it is claimed, are noted to be happier than the non-religious. I think there is something to this. We are social creatures and need social interaction to not only survive, but thrive.

I am really not sure that I know what true happiness is. Maybe I am not capable of feeling as happy as I would like. I thought I knew what happiness was when I was a believing member of the church, but now I'm not so sure. I think it came from having everything about my existence packaged in a nice little box I was handed at church. All the answers were in the box. There was never any need to venture outside the box. Now that I have ventured outside the box, the world is so big and kind of scary, but really not so much all at the same time. I feel tentative and like I am looking for happiness but not really finding it. I almost think that I am not as happy as I once thought I was...or was I really that happy? Maybe ignorance truly is bliss and bliss is truly happiness? I guess I would rather be smart and unhappy than ignorant and happy, but sometimes I have to wonder. Happiness feels to me right now like it is fleeting and I cannot grasp it. But I also understand this is likely more due to my current circumstances, which contribute to insecurity, than a belief in the divine would cause. I wonder if my definition of happiness has been warped and permanently damaged by my disaffection from the church.

My dilemma as of late is that I see many people in the church who appear to be genuinely happy. I wonder why this is? I know they are trapped in a delusion, and yet, they seem to be OK with that. Many seem to be more than OK with it. The one thing they have in common, though, is that they either don't know much about the history of the church (outside of the correlated history that is) or they know some of it but refuse to fully acknowledge it or pursue it. Is having a mental roadblock to certain information a key to happiness? It appears that it can be.

Sometimes I find myself wishing that I could put the genie back in the bottle and just go back and forget everything I now know and have decided about the church. Things would be so much easier for my family, for my status with those that I see as my peers in my community. However, I can't just forget. I can't just flip a switch and make it all OK. Why did I have to question? Why did I have to insist on finding the answers I thought I wanted? Why can't God just answer my friggin' prayers and make everything right again?!

I have been very fond of the quote that says that happiness is not a destination but a mode of transportation. I used to think this quote was great, but I feel like it has lost some meaning. I have heard some say that happiness is a decision and it is as simple as that. That may be true after all, so what am I deciding?

Does happiness come from knowing that you are in a social majority? This is a very interesting theory that comes from studies that show that the happiest people in the world are found in Denmark. In 4th place (for overall happiness) is the Netherlands and in these northern European countries the religious are not in the social majority. It could be drawn that the correlation between happiness and religion in the US may stem more from the idea and comfort of being in a social majority (and having ready made avenues for social interaction through church) than from anything contained in the teachings of religions themselves. However, it may also have nothing to do with religion and more to do with the fact that the governments in this region place more emphasis on providing and taking care of the social needs of the people (such as health care, unemployment, vacations and retirement).

Finally, does happiness come from God? Honestly, I have to say that I do not know the answer to this question. However, I do not believe that believers in God can really answer it with evidence any better than I could. They would have to acknowledge the constant presence of guilt that a belief in God creates and I think guilt is a destroyer of happiness. I think this is why Jesus is so popular, He can remove guilt. Just wipe it all away. It's all gone. Jesus is so nice.

This goes back to what I have said about subjective evidence in an earlier post. I don't think any objective evidence can be found that definitively places God as the source of happiness. For all I know, God may be the source of all happiness in the universe, but this same God hasn't given me enough information (that I can classify as objective) to be able to say so one way or the other. For some, the studies that say religious people are the happiest is enough. And it may just be that simple...or it may not be. The problem with being a skeptic is sometimes you just don't know stuff, but I am OK with that and regardless of what any believer may say, I am happy with that conclusion. I wish I could convey that thought in a way where people who believe in God could actually accept it, but here we are, just trying to get along and pursue happiness wherever we may think it is found. I wish we were more tolerant as to allow this (speaking of myself as well as those who may disagree with me).

As I have thought about the source(s) of happiness, and my happiness in particular, I am convinced that happiness may not be experienced all the time. But that we may be genetically disposed to the level of happiness we have. Happiness appears to come from lots of different sources, but the biggest indicator of happiness is how well we listen to ourselves to figure out what will bring us the most happiness. I think even those that claim to receive that insight from God, are actually receiving it from themselves (and they would claim that I am actually receiving it from God), but it does not matter which of us is right. It only matters that we listen and not give up seeking, and recognizing, our best happiness possible. Stay happy my friends.

Halloween

Halloween Night 2010
5:10 pm: The kids' friends come over and are wanting to know if my kids will be going trick-or-treating.

5:11 pm: Said kids come to my wife and ask her if they can go out trick-or-treating.

5:11 pm: Kids come to me and ask if it is OK if they go out trick-or-treating. They tell me their mother doesn't care if they go out or not.

5:11 pm: I tell kids that I don't have a problem with them going out.

5:12 pm: Kids are ready to go out trick-or-treating getting their costumes on and all share in the excitement of the upcoming festivities.

6:30 pm: I can't find my oldest 3 kids and my youngest (3 yr. old) needs help getting ready to go out. I help him get ready and I can't find any of the other kids. Have to assume they have already left to go trick-or-treating.

6:35 pm: My youngest son and I begin going out trick-or-treating.

At this time my mind is wondering about the appropriateness of participating in the activity on Sunday. Not because of my beliefs about it not being appropriate, but my wife's. I really don't know what is going through her mind or whether or not she truly thinks it is a violation of the Sabbath or not. I had successfully found some justification for it (which I could have easily used on my formerly tbm brain, but it probably would not have worked since I was uber tbm) which is that it is a good chance to meet and greet with neighbors in the area and let them see how cute my kids are in their costumes. This, to me, is a great Sunday activity because it encourages neighbor interaction. None of my kids' costumes were scary by any stretch (Basketball player, Ironman, Princess and Toucan) and therefore not able to be considered evil at all.

The thought that crossed my mind while wandering around looking for houses to visit (most neighbors did have lights on and were handing out candy...probably just a little less than last year, but not much) was what people who are not very religious must think of those who don't participate in giving out candy because it is on a Sunday. My first thought was that most people probably don't care...to each their own. But I couldn't stop there. Since I am an angry apostate (I should rename my blog to that, but I'm sure it is already taken) I had to take it one step further and imagine what people must REALLY think of those that don't participate in trick-or-treating.

My first reaction along those lines was...that they are arrogant snobs. I placed those people right up there with those people who told my kid to only take one piece of candy and, when they took two, would reach into the bag and grab the extra piece of candy back. They are selfish bastards, just one step below arrogant snobs.

Then my mind was taken to what religion does to people. Religion teaches that as long as an institution finds your behavior acceptable, you are encouraged to engage in the behavior whole-heartedly. But the moment the behavior is deemed unacceptable, you are strictly forbidden to participate and guilt and shame should be heaped on you if you dare to violate "the rules".

I'm sure I am being way too harsh here, but these are the thoughts I had. I kind of felt sad that there are people who refuse to participate in a fun and arguably wholesome activity because some religion teaches that the behavior is not becoming of the ideal adherent.

But then again, maybe in this tough economy, people were glad to be relieved of any question about whether or not to participate in Halloween since they couldn't afford any candy.